The Lost Art of Yearning (aka why I love Mr. Darcy)

an essay by Emmanuel Yogan Lourdes, resident writer at 3shotcine

---

I love love! In all its forms, but I am most particularly fond of romantic love. The kind that makes you sigh deeply, the kind of love where your name sounds like a prayer when spoken by that special someone.

And it is for that reason, despite my surface level protests, that I adore romantic films, one of my favourite being Pride and Prejudice (2005). The film has many merits, but I want to focus on one of them in particular: Mr. Darcy himself.

Because he is of a certain breed of man that I believe should be brought back into the mainstream film and dating scene. The kind of man who yearns. So dearest reader, make yourself a nice cup of tea, get cosy and let me take you on a journey into why I love this silly little fictional man.

Clear, Unapologetic Attraction, aka Yearnalism

The sheer down badness of this man is astonishing to say the least. Half the time he looks like a sad puppy that’s going to cry out of the sheer intensity of his feelings towards Elizabeth. And if you are reading up until this point, you must be somewhat acquainted with the iconic hand flex scene, the confession in the rain, the walk across the field. These scenes are the heavy hitters that most people talk about - but I’d like to focus on the smaller moments of yearning.

The intensity of his longing looks whenever he has to leave her, which are so numerous that it could be the basis for a drinking game. The way he perks up at the mere mention of her name. The way he stutters when he tries to talk to her.

To see someone stoic (read: a man) be so overcome with desire that he cannot even try to hide it is so refreshing to see; and in a way, it is reassuring as well. There is no way that anyone could misconstrue or be in doubt as to whether Mr. Darcy likes Elizabeth. To be attracted to someone so openly offers security to them.

But romantic love is not just about passion, and this I must emphasize. For while Mr. Darcy’s first confession in the rain is certainly passionate, it unfortunately bears some resemblance to Mr. Collins' awful confession to Elizabeth. Darcy’s confession is better no doubt but it is rushed, poorly worded and carries a lack of awareness and understanding. 

He claims to love her and there is no doubt that he believes that himself. But despite us as the audience feeling the palpable attraction between them, their connection is incomplete in a way. If this were any other romantic film, this confession would have ended with them angry-kissing in the rain as the turning point. But Pride and Prejudice is no ordinary romantic film.

And so it ends with Mr. Darcy being rejected.

Yearning is inextricably tied to attraction, which is vital in any romantic relationship. But Mr. Darcy, for all his passion, is missing something here that leads to true yearning. And that something is what Mr. Darcy learns to grow, or rather change into.

To Love, Is To Change

Mr. Darcy is prideful, unsociable and taciturn, which does not do any favours for himself as he tries to court Elizabeth, who develops a poor impression of him, understandably so.

It is interesting to note that both Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy struggle to express themselves: Bingley in a fumbling, bashful way, while Darcy is more anti-social and introverted. But both men try in their own way to express themselves and eventually succeed in doing so.

With Mr. Darcy, it is in how he gradually opens up and offers Elizabeth, and us, insight into who he is. 

DARCY: Maybe, it's that I find it hard to forgive the follies and vices of others, or their offences against myself. My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever.

DARCY: I do not have the talent of conversing easily with people I have never met before.

Even though he is atrociously bad at socializing and fostering affection, he pays attention to what Elizabeth has to say and tries his best, by asking her to dance and attempting to make small talk leading up to his first confession.

Post fall-out with Elizabeth, he explains the entire Mr. Wickham situation, even though he has nothing to gain from it, per se. If anything, it is him cautioning Elizabeth on Wickham’s true nature and to save her from the same fate that befell his younger sister Georgiana, or worse. He cares dearly for his friend, Mr. Bingley and he makes that clear in that same letter to Elizabeth and in his following efforts to reunite Mr. Bingley and Jane.

DARCY: As to the other matter, that of your sister and Mr. Bingley. Though the motives which governed me may to you appear insufficient, they were in the service of a friend.

He cares deeply for Georgiana, who he dotes on and confides in about Elizabeth. A striking resemblance to Elizabeth’s own relationship with her own sisters, particularly Jane. A man who helps his friends out and has a healthy relationship with his sister, how endearing is that?

It is also worth noting that the first two times we see him smile is within the safe space of his own home and around two people he cares dearly for - Georgiana and Elizabeth. Yes, he’s a bit of an arse, but he tries to be better, and there is more to him than meets the eye. All these moments and actions come together to change Elizabeth’s prejudice towards him.

DARCY: I have recently thought a great deal about how I appear and act to others.

LIZZIE: It does you credit, sir.

To admit that we have made mistakes and then make the effort to do better is extremely uncomfortable, but Mr. Darcy does so because of his love for Elizabeth. Not everyone is willing to humble themselves for the person they claim to love, which shows the sincerity of his care towards her: which brings me to my final point.

Sincerity and Intimacy

I absolutely adored the choice to have Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth affirm their love to each other through a gentle pressing of foreheads rather than a kiss. Though to be fair, I literally squealed in delight at the extended lake scene but not for the kiss itself, but rather everything leading up to it.

See, while I personally enjoy the expression of carnal lust or consummation of romantic love in other similar media like Bridgerton, I appreciate this film for its more holistic and less sexually charged take on intimacy.

For intimacy by definition, simply means a close familiarity or friendship but the word itself has historically been used as a euphemism for sexual relations. And understandably so, for isn't sex the most intimate one can get with another human being? But if you have been on the streets as I have, you will know that is far from the truth.

And that is why yearning is about more than just sexual or physical attraction. It is also about the close friendship we share with the person we love. And how better to foster friendship than by taking the time to know someone, their likes and dislikes?

DARCY: May I see you to the village?

LIZZIE: Oh no! I'm very fond of walking.

DARCY: Yes. Yes, I know.

By having a healthy level of respect and understanding of boundaries.

DARCY: … My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me forever.

An understanding of each other, of who the other person is.

LIZZIE: You mean to frighten me, Mr. Darcy, by coming in all your state to hear me, but I won't be alarmed even though your sister does play so well.

DARCY: I am well enough acquainted with you, Miss Bennet, to know I cannot alarm you even should I wish it.

And to simply enjoy their presence, to see the best in themselves.

LIZZIE: Your unfortunate brother once had to put up with my playing for a whole evening.

GEORGIANA: But he says you play so well!

But once again, building or having intimacy is not the final true marker of yearning. People can know your likes and dislikes, say the perfect words, bring you to heights of pleasure previously unknown to mankind, meet your family. And then without so much as a warning, leave you alone, to wonder what went wrong. People can act and say things completely differently from how they truly feel - case in point, Mr. Wickham.

It is the reason why in this age, love often feels like a game, where two people try their best to figure out what the other person wants. And the simple reason for this is that one can be attracted to, and yearn for, someone for the wrong reasons.

You have the usual culprits: those who seek another sexual conquest, someone to validate them. But even in those who claim to love truly, insincerity may lurk still. Even change born of a desire to keep someone happy so that they stay, conceals an unpleasant truth. In that it, along with all the other reasons above, are in service to the self. It is not actually about the true well-being of the person we claim to love. It is a love centred on ourselves, for ourselves.

So, if it is not attraction, or even intimacy, what then is the missing key to true yearning? This is where Mr. Darcy shows us a path through all this.

After the confession in the rain, Mr. Darcy realizes that he has erred, in his manners and choices, and sets out to right his wrongs without calling attention to himself. His actions are not with the intention to win Elizabeth back; he does it because it is the right thing to do, because he cares for her, regardless of how she feels towards him. There is no ulterior motive and thus, we, along with Elizabeth, know without a doubt, the sincerity of his intentions and affections. Mr. Darcy loves just cause. Because he chooses too. Because all he wants is for Elizabeth to be alright. 

In his second confession to her, he is calm, and speaks with humility and care. Gone is the pride and defensiveness we saw previously. He is almost whispering at times, apologizing for his aunt’s behaviour. Despite the strength of his feelings for her that still burned and consumed him, he was willing to silence himself forever, for her sake and nothing else.

Dear reader, anyone can be down bad, but even attraction at its most intense burns out in time. And intimacy, no matter how deep, can simply be the means to an end. Yearning is the conscious choice to love someone with no expectations; for choices do not fade out in time. For to choose someone is to make a choice every second, every day to be with them. And each of these small choices are confessions, admissions of love that come together to form something greater.

To choose to love someone, regardless of reciprocity.

To love without condition.

That is true yearning.

Yearning is not “I cannot stop caring for you”.

Yearning is “I want nothing more than to care for you, if you will so allow me”.

Sound familiar? And that is why Mr. Darcy’s second confession is the culmination of his journey towards true yearning, which Elizabeth sees. And so, with a newfound appreciation and understanding of each other, they embrace.

Mr. Darcy yearns without condition, loves with all his body and soul. And that is why we, and the audience, grow to love him as much as Elizabeth does.

In Conclusion

Dear reader, if you hadn’t already guessed, I am a romantic, through and through. But in my previous romantic endeavours, I have found myself hurt, deeply. And because of that, for the longest time, I was a cynic when it came to love.

What is the point of being so open, of feeling everything so strongly, of devoting myself to someone only to get hurt? Even the thought of it still terrifies me now, for I fear repeating past mistakes.

But when I see Mr. Darcy and the way he unapologetically loves Elizabeth, there is a part of me that comes alive, begins to dream again. Of course, I do not expect myself or my future partner to walk across a field, shirt unbuttoned and profess their love to me. That is quite unrealistic.

But I think it is realistic to believe that I can learn to love without fear. That perhaps I can meet someone who chooses me, clearly, sincerely and unconditionally, as I choose them. And that to me, is the beauty of Pride and Prejudice and the lost art of yearning that Mr. Darcy embodies.

I hope that one day, I have the opportunity to truly love and be loved. And if not, at least I can live this life well knowing the kind of man that I am. 

The kind of man that yearns.

---

An essay by Emmanuel Yogan Lourdes, resident writer at 3shotcine.

Emmanuel is driven by his emotions, which shows in his poetry, karaoke song choices and passion for films. From Good Will Hunting and Arrival, to Kung Fu Panda and The Prince of Egypt, he enjoys films that explore our humanity and the journey to find our place in this world. He is always open to conversation and rewatching Pride and Prejudice (2005).

Like the work we do? Oh, we're flattered. Well, keep the love coming:

Follow us on Instagram here.

Send us a little tip here. 

Find our Letterboxd here.

Find out what's in the box here.

Have a review, film analysis, or thinkpiece you'd like to publish with us? Read how you can do that here.